Please understand what I need.

Many times people only put happy, positive things online and the deeper issues are overlooked. Maybe they don’t want everyone to know their personal struggles or maybe they don’t want to contribute to the negativity that is so easily brought out of people when they are online. I know I don’t like to share my personal issues with people. But sometimes it is important for us to share the darker side of life. Even when we are religious, whatever the religion is, we have dark times and others have a right to know that life isn’t peachy-keen all of the time.

For me, I am needing to share my struggles right now. Those of you who know me, know that I am not shy about sharing my medical issues. I want to share with others so if they are struggling with similar issues, they can know that they are not alone. I feel very strongly about this and I will continue to share. Right now, however, I need to share what is going on not for others to feel better about their lives, but because I am in great need of love, compassion, and understanding from others.

I have a condition called dysthymia which is a chemical imbalance that causes depression, social anxiety, and OCD. Most of the time I am able to keep it under control, but with this pregnancy my emotions have become very unstable. I get trapped in a vicious cycle that only cause pain and hurt to me and subsequently my family. Here’s how it usually happens. I see someone and I want to say, “hi,” talk about their families and lives, learn how they are doing, etc. I really want to connect with people. But as soon as I recognize someone I mentally freeze, become extremely anxious, and cannot think. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for 2 years or 20 years, friend, cousin, in-law… it doesn’t matter. In fact, the longer I’ve known you the worse the freeze and anxiety can be. If I seem distant and distracted, it isn’t because I don’t care, I am just not able to connect with you the way I desperately want to. I will then leave the situation and become extremely depressed because I feel incapable of making friends. I often feel unloved, unappreciated, or even ignored because I don’t know how to connect with others the way they expect me to. This depression eats away at me and the next time I run into someone the anxieties are compounded and everything gets worse.

Normally, I am able to break myself out of this cycle, or even ignore the anxiety when I see someone randomly, but since I have been pregnant this time I have not been able to do that. I do the best I can to try and reach out to others, but most of the time the efforts that have been monumental for me are almost insignificant to others. They go unacknowledged or ignored by others. I know that it isn’t meant to hurt me, but it does. Me sending out invitations to a gift exchange, sending Christmas cards, invitations to dinner, they are me desperately trying to continue love and friendship.

I need love, friendship, and acceptance just as much as anyone else. I don’t want you to suddenly start inviting me to see a movie, go out to eat, or “hang out.” I am not able to do those things right now because the anxiety would be too much for me to handle. I just need you to understand that I need your compassion now more than ever. I am lonely, feel unloved most of the time, and being unable to control these extreme emotions scares me. If all you can do is pray for me, please do!

Back to Work

Back in January, M had an accident at work. While the accident itself and resulting concussion were not serious, it caused an unfortunate side effect and M was left stuttering and stammering with every word he spoke. We spent three weeks going to doctors, having CT and MRI scans performed, talking with HR representatives, and just trying to figure out what was going on. The entire time M was off on Worker's Comp. leave because he could not perform his duties as a sale's representative.

A month after the accident we were sent to a neuro-specialist at the U of U. After a quick examination we were finally able to understand what had happened to M's speech. It's a rare anomaly called Conversion. Essentially, when the brain is injured it immediately starts to repair the damage. In conversion, the brain will re-route the damaged area through non-damaged areas. In M's case, the blow was to the crown of his head, but the re-routing happened to go through his speech processing area causing him to stutter and stammer.  M was sent to speech therapy for a month.

Now, two and a half months after the accident, M is finally able to return to work part-time. The neuro-specialist and HR reps. were reluctant to have him start working again because he still stutters and stammers when highly stressed, and his job can be highly stressful at times. However, M is determined to go back to work and forget this ever happened. He has been want to forget it since it happened back in January and is excited to go back to work.

I will say, it will be nice to have a larger paycheck coming in. Worker's comp. insurance does pay for his time at home, but it is only 66% of his salary. Things have been a bit tight. Other than the money, I have enjoyed spending so much time with M and having him help with J.

M and J have developed a routine that will be very difficult for J to loose when M is gone. Whenever it is time for J to sleep, naps and bedtime, he will fall asleep on or next to M. It has gotten to the point that J will not go to sleep unless M or I, usually M, are laying down with him. It's cute, but I do not look forward to crying that will ensue when M is not home...

6 Laundry Tips (learned from a pro)

I started cleaning my own laundry as a teenager. I thought I knew everything there was to know about cleaning clothes. I had been taught by my Mom, how could I go wrong? Separate the darks, lights, colors, delicates, etc. Measure the correct amount of detergent. Using fabric softener dryer sheets when running the dryer was the best way to control static. Only air dry things that you don’t want to shrink, otherwise it can be thrown in the dryer.

I was so wrong. I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I married an appliance salesman. It was a slow learning process for me. Mainly because I am extremely stubborn and HATE to admit that I might be wrong about something. Here are a few of the things I have learned over the years that have helped me and my clothes.

1.       Loose the dryer sheets. They are very dangerous for your dryer. The fabric soften in the dryer sheets clogs the lint vents. Clogged vents lead to overheating. Lint and clothes are very flammable. Flammable objects and overheating machines start fires. Loose the dryer sheets!

2.       Always, always, ALWAYS clean out the lint screen. Again, when the screen is clogged it causes the machine to overheat which can start fires. And it helps your next load dry faster.

3.       Use the proper washing cycle. If you are washing your bedspread, put the washer on the bedding cycle. Modern machines are programmed to run differently on each setting. More/less water, hotter/colder water, faster/slower spinning cycle, longer/shorter rinse cycle. Delicate loads can’t handle the same wash cycle as your t-shirts and jeans. 

4.       Use the minimum amount of detergent. I was raised to believe that the more laundry detergent you used the better (as long as it all rinsed out). Not True! I have a High Efficiency front load washer. I had it for 3 years before I realized that I was putting in twice the amount of detergent than it needed (and what I had been using was less than half the amount I needed for the top load coin-op machines I used in college). It not only waists detergent and money, but it causes your machine to smell. 

5.       Run a monthly cleaning cycle. Pop in one or two machine cleaning tablets and run a cleaning cycle at least once a month. Remember how I used too much detergent? Well, using too much causes it to build-up on the inside of the machine and mildew. GROSS! Once I started using the correct amount of detergent and cleaning the machine regularly, no more stinky machines!

6.       Liquid fabric softener is fabulous! I missed used the dryer sheets. My clothes were always full of static and I really missed the fresh clean smell. So I broke down and bought the cheapest bottle of liquid fabric softener. It not only gave me the soft, fresh clothes I missed, but it also got rid of the excess static without clogging my dryer’s lint screen.

Don't be afraid to go and ask questions from an appliance salesperson. Their job is to have all the latest info on the machines they sell. Although, I would suggest talking with a NON-commission salesperson (less stress for them and you). While most stores sell on commission (Sears, Best Buy, Furniture stores, and specialty shops) box stores are usually non-commission (Lowes, HomeDepot, etc.). 

Preeclampsia, Fibromyalsia, and Hypothyroid- Here I shine!

A few weeks ago I decided to sell the lovely exercise bike that my husband had given me as a birthday present a few years ago. I had used it regularly for about a year before it became the large elephant in the room, unused and staring at me every time I sat on the couch to watch television. We moved it all over the house. When we sold our house we moved it from house to storage to house. Over the past year we have lived here it has spent time unused, in every room except the kitchen. It was difficult for me to let it go. I know I never used it anymore, but it was given to me by my husband just before things went bad.

It wasn’t our marriage that went sour, it was my health. I’ve never been all that thin, but eight years ago I completed a marathon and a half marathon. It was huge! Then I developed hypothyroidism, went back to college, and subsequently gained 50 lbs. I earned my degree, got married, and started living my happily ever after.

There were a few complaints, the majority of which had to do with my health. I had tried over the years to get back into running and exercising on a regular basis, but could never get into the swing of things. Every time I made an attempt I would become very ill. I went to doctor after doctor for 4 years. It wasn’t until January 2014 that one doctor was finally able to make a positive diagnosis. I had fibromyalgia.

Like most modern physicians, his first response was to prescribe me some pills. They would, essentially, block the malfunctioning nerve indicators from sending unnecessary pain signals throughout my body. I was so excited that there would be an end to my pain and a way for me to get my health back. I took the pills faithfully and was horrified the next month at my follow-up appointment to discover I had gained 30 lbs! My doctor was surprised, but other than the weight gain the pills were working. I wasn’t in pain like I had been. He advised me to half the dosage and since the pills were working, and expensive, I complied. The next month at my follow-up I was again crushed to learn I had gained another 15 lbs. In less than 8 weeks I had gained 45 lbs and now weighed over 300 lbs!

At this point I was left with two options: 1) continue taking the pills and end up needing to be removed from my house by a crane, or 2) stop taking the pills and suffer the debilitating pain of fibromyalgia. I chose the lesser of the two evils and stopped taking the pills, but the weight did not come back off.

If you’ve never had the experience of gaining that amount of weight in so little a time, let me enlighten you as to the results. First are the stretch marks. Then your muscles spasm because they are under so much strain. Your joints haven’t had time to adjust to the weight, so they are stressed and the tissue swells. Combine that with my constant fibro- pain, I was a wreck.

I could barely walk from my car to my desk at work (maybe 200 feet). I couldn’t sit comfortable in my chair because my back would ache. I couldn’t stand for more than a few minutes because my feet were swollen and my knees hurt. I was not able to go grocery shopping without using the store’s motorized cart. My husband would drop me off and pick me up at the door so I didn’t have to walk as far.

I tried diets and exercise, but nothing worked. It felt like I had aged 20 years in a matter of months. After a lot of soul searching and discussions with my husband and doctors I decided to have bariatric surgery (a stomach bypass). I jumped through all of the hoops with the insurance and finally had a surgery date set. Two weeks before the big day we discovered to our delight that I was finally pregnant.

We had been trying to have a baby for 2 years. Multiple doctors had even hinted to me that I would not be able to conceive until I lost at least 100 lbs. The surgery was cancelled and I continued my life of physical pain.

You may guess how well the pregnancy went… Here is a brief summary. At 2 months I started spotting and had to make weekly doctor visits to check the baby’s health. At 4 months they casually mentioned that the baby seemed a bit small, but nothing to be worried about. At 5 months I was 5 lbs lighter than when I conceived (yay!) but developed a muscle spasm in my back. They gave me muscle relaxants and pain meds, but I couldn’t take them at the same time or more than once a day. Ideally, I should really only take them when absolutely necessary because they might hurt the baby. Right. Now I can’t walk, sit, stand, or lie down because of pain and I can’t sleep without the pain killer. At 6 months I have my third UTI and make a quick visit to the doctor.

Slightly high blood pressure, nothing to worry about. If you develop any of these (long list) of symptoms please go directly to the ER. Two days later, our first hospital visit. I had preeclampsia, it’s a nice way of saying that your body is rejecting the baby and your organs are slowly shutting down. For the next 3 weeks we went back and forth between home, hospital, and doctor’s office. Blood pressure continued to rise despite medications. Baby’s weight is now well below average and concern sets in.

I was on bed rest, not that I have the strength or energy to do anything but stay in bed. I now had almost a month of work because of my back and blood pressure, and since I wasn’t planning on going back after the baby was born, I was forced to resign early.

After 2 weeks of bed rest at home, I was finally admitted into the hospital for an extended stay. I was only 33 weeks along at this point and despite my very high blood pressure (100s/90s) they didn’t want me to have the baby until absolutely necessary. I was retaining water like the Hoover Dam. Fifty pounds of water weight in 2 weeks. That’s right, more stretch marks, swelling, and, because I was also pregnant, I could barely move. I needed help just to stand up to go to the bathroom.

Did you know that doctors and nurses are horrible liars? It’s true. When you’ve been in the hospital for 6 days, on bed rest for 3 weeks, gained 50+ lbs of water weight, can barely move, throw up everything you eat, check your ever-rising blood pressure every 2 hours (even during the night), only let you out of your room for 30 minutes a day, and stand there with a cup full of pills and tell you that you look great, you know they are lying.

The events proceeding J’s birth are a bit hazy. It started with a migraine-like pain in my head that wouldn’t go away with pain killers. My blood pressure was out of control. I was a stroke-risk and not allowed to move, not that I could with my head pounding the way it was. I have never been in so much pain, but I wasn’t scared. All I cared about was feeling better and seeing my baby.

When J was born he weighed 3 lbs 15 oz. He had trouble breathing at first and spent 11 days in the NICU learning how to eat. I was only allowed to see him twice the day he was born, and hold him for about 5 minutes. I was still a stroke risk, and not able to leave my room to visit my baby for 48 hours.

They kept my in the hospital for 5 days after the baby was born because my blood pressure was still so high. As luck would have it, as they were discharging me from the hospital and removing my staples from the surgery, my incision re-opened. Long story short, I spent the next 2 months with a huge hole in my stomach, stuffed full of gauze, and covered with a bandage.

It is now January 2016. J is 8 months old and the cutest little thing in the world. My husband is amazing, working full-time and going to school full-time while encouraging me to be the best stay at home mom possible. My body has “normalized” after going through 2 years of extremes. Right now the worst thing I deal with is the constant fibro- pain and lack of sleep from raising a baby.

Which brings me to a few weeks ago when I sold the exercise bike. It was a tough decision to sell it, even though I haven’t been able to use it for 2 years. When the couple who bought it asked me why I didn’t use it anymore I simply replied, “I had a hard pregnancy and couldn’t exercise.” The girl, all of 19 years, giggled and said, “Oh, you’re so cute!” Here I was, 300 lbs with a 7 month old baby being given the brush off by someone 10 years younger than me. I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that, but I wanted the bike gone so I kept my mouth shut.

There is a sketch comedy show that my family and I love to watch. Several times they have made jokes about people with weight issues, and most recently an entire sketch about how undesirable large women are. Some people may find it amusing, but to me it is offensive.

People see me and automatically assume that I am lazy and do nothing but eat junk food. What they don’t see is the pain and frustration that comes from health problems that are beyond your control. Sometimes the answer isn’t as easy as simply eating a salad and exercising a little more. I eat healthy and do the best I can to take care of my body. I would love to roll back the clock and go for one of my “short” 5 mile runs again, but right now that’s not possible.

It may sound cliché, but true strength comes through adversity. It is only after the coal undergoes extreme pressure that it becomes a diamond. Well world, if you care enough to pay attention, here I shine!