Please understand what I need.

Many times people only put happy, positive things online and the deeper issues are overlooked. Maybe they don’t want everyone to know their personal struggles or maybe they don’t want to contribute to the negativity that is so easily brought out of people when they are online. I know I don’t like to share my personal issues with people. But sometimes it is important for us to share the darker side of life. Even when we are religious, whatever the religion is, we have dark times and others have a right to know that life isn’t peachy-keen all of the time.

For me, I am needing to share my struggles right now. Those of you who know me, know that I am not shy about sharing my medical issues. I want to share with others so if they are struggling with similar issues, they can know that they are not alone. I feel very strongly about this and I will continue to share. Right now, however, I need to share what is going on not for others to feel better about their lives, but because I am in great need of love, compassion, and understanding from others.

I have a condition called dysthymia which is a chemical imbalance that causes depression, social anxiety, and OCD. Most of the time I am able to keep it under control, but with this pregnancy my emotions have become very unstable. I get trapped in a vicious cycle that only cause pain and hurt to me and subsequently my family. Here’s how it usually happens. I see someone and I want to say, “hi,” talk about their families and lives, learn how they are doing, etc. I really want to connect with people. But as soon as I recognize someone I mentally freeze, become extremely anxious, and cannot think. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for 2 years or 20 years, friend, cousin, in-law… it doesn’t matter. In fact, the longer I’ve known you the worse the freeze and anxiety can be. If I seem distant and distracted, it isn’t because I don’t care, I am just not able to connect with you the way I desperately want to. I will then leave the situation and become extremely depressed because I feel incapable of making friends. I often feel unloved, unappreciated, or even ignored because I don’t know how to connect with others the way they expect me to. This depression eats away at me and the next time I run into someone the anxieties are compounded and everything gets worse.

Normally, I am able to break myself out of this cycle, or even ignore the anxiety when I see someone randomly, but since I have been pregnant this time I have not been able to do that. I do the best I can to try and reach out to others, but most of the time the efforts that have been monumental for me are almost insignificant to others. They go unacknowledged or ignored by others. I know that it isn’t meant to hurt me, but it does. Me sending out invitations to a gift exchange, sending Christmas cards, invitations to dinner, they are me desperately trying to continue love and friendship.

I need love, friendship, and acceptance just as much as anyone else. I don’t want you to suddenly start inviting me to see a movie, go out to eat, or “hang out.” I am not able to do those things right now because the anxiety would be too much for me to handle. I just need you to understand that I need your compassion now more than ever. I am lonely, feel unloved most of the time, and being unable to control these extreme emotions scares me. If all you can do is pray for me, please do!

The Struggle is Real

I just realized that today is actually Christ’s Birthday. I believe that fact was reviled through revelation, or maybe it was just by historical research. Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS! May the Spirit of Christ bless you and your families all year!

I was going through my morning routine with baby J and was getting a little frazzled with the extra things I have taken on this week. I have been planning a Harry Potter Murder Mystery Dinner for about a month and have gone crazy making things so it will be totally epic. It’s only a few days away and I’ve already started decorating the house.

I turned on one of J’s favorite shows and let him have free reign of the main living area while I worked. But as it so often happens, J needed a diaper change. I pressed pause on the TV, and carried J off to the bathroom for a change, bath, and then put him down for a morning nap. If you’ve ever taken care a baby, you will understand just how much work is involved.

J twisted and turned while I struggled to clean up his poopy bum. In the bath he got bubbles on his nose and mouth which caused him to panic. He began thrashing around, creating more bubbles and causing him to slip into the water twice. (Before you think I’m negligent, this all happened in a matter of 1 second.) I pulled him out and wiped his face. After another struggled to dry him off, diaper and clothe him while he again wiggled and squirmed, I finally put him in his crib for a nap.

While the proceeding process only took 20 minutes, it was an exhausting 20 minutes. I trudged back into the living room, grumbling about how difficult J can be at times. Why was he so difficult? Why does he fight me on every step?

I sat down on the couch and looked at the TV. Still on the screen was J’s show, paused with the closed captioning on. It was a picture of a fish who was saying, “I could have done that if I wasn’t stuck.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “No, little fish,” I said to the screen. “You may be able to keep his attention once in a while, but somethings just need to be done by Mommy.”

That one instance changed my entire attitude. I have chosen to be a Mother and a stay at home mom (SAHM). Sure, I could get a job and put J in daycare but that is not what I want for my family. It may be difficult and he will continue to fight me for the next 17 years. I will love him the entire time and continue to fight for his best interest.

Provo Revisited

In December 2010 the Provo Tabernacle, a major landmark in the city of Provo, was tragically burned by an electrical fire. The entire building was gutted and the brick shell was left standing. It was heartbreaking for the residents of Provo, both those who were members of the LDS Church and those who were not. The building was used for religious meetings for several denominations as well as civic events. For over 100 years the building had stood on that spot, and was suddenly taken away.

I personally felt the loss of this historic building. I had lived in Provo for the majority of the previous 6 years. Every day as I drove to and from work I would drive by the Tabernacle. I attended meetings and concerts in the beautiful building. I admit, during some of those long meetings I would pay more attention to the woodwork, stained glass, and plaster painting details than I did to the speakers. The building had a special place in my heart.

One of my favorite things was when I drove by the Tabernacle and saw brides having their pictures taken around the beautiful building. I hoped that I would have the opportunity to have my wedding pictures taken next to that building as well.

I moved away from Provo only a few weeks later (coincidence only). I followed the news reports as the workers went through the rubble. I was ecstatic when President Monson announced that the LDS Church was going to rebuild the tabernacle and turn it into a Temple. I followed the rebuilding process online and anxiously awaited the time when I could attend the open house with my family.

Five years after I moved away I was able to return to Provo with my young family. While I had been away I was sealed in the temple and we had a little boy. (I wasn’t able to have wedding pictures taken at the Provo Tabernacle because it was under construction.) I had driven through a couple of times, but had not driven down the familiar streets since I had left.

I was surprised at how different things were since I left. I was sad to see some of my favorite places had gone. We drove past my old apartments and I told my husband stories about my former roommates and friends.

The new Provo City Center temple was more beautiful than I could have imagined. Great care was taken in the reconstruction to stay true to the original style of the building, in every aspect. From the door hinges to the exit signs and everything in between, it was gorgeous. I cried as I walked through the halls with my little family. I loved seeing the joy on my son’s face as he saw the beauty of each room.

It was an experience that is difficult to put in words. I was not expecting to feel such powerful emotions. I was so grateful that I was born in the Covenant and raised as a member of the LDS Church. I was, and still am, grateful that the love of my life cared enough for me and our future family to marry me in the Temple of the Lord for Time and Eternity.

However, I did not realize how grateful I truly am for these blessings until I drove with my family up to the original Provo Temple. It was there that I turned weekly, and sometimes biweekly, that I pleaded with my Father in Heaven for an eternal companion and children of my own. More tears and prayers than I can remember were spent inside that wonderful structure and to return to it after I had been so hugely blessed was humbling.

We had traveled down to Provo to walk through the new temple, but it was at the older temple that I truly felt at home. For so long I had been looking in the wrong place to find peace with the hard things I experienced while living in Provo.

I had been persecuted and emotionally abused by people I knew while I lived there. I looked for and prayed for real friends, and was blessed with a precious few. While I was there I believed that I had to be better, that nothing I did was ever good enough. I was wrong and the people who made me feel that way were also wrong.

When you rebuild yourself you need to stay true to who you are and who you have always been. Just like the rebuilding of the Tabernacle into a Temple, you need to find your inner strength and beauty in order to realize your full potential.