16 Weeks until Baby Girl!

I am 23 ½ weeks pregnant! Yea! We are so excited to be having a little girl. Compared to my last pregnancy this one has been a breeze (apart from the emotional imbalance). When I was 24 weeks along with JM I had severe muscle spasms in my back that, unfortunately, could not be relieved. They couldn’t give me any shots because it might affect the baby. They wouldn’t give me any pain pills because it would affect the baby. I was basically bed ridden because I was in so much pain. When the pain finally started to ease I found out I had preeclampsia and was placed on official bed-rest until the baby was born 4 weeks later. He was 6 weeks early and because I had been unable to do anything for the past 2 months we were far from ready for him at home. My wonderful family set up the crib, changing table, made sure we had preemie clothes and diapers for him. I still felt very unprepared.

This time, even though this have been going so much smoother (I’m comparing trimester to trimester, not overall because I’m not done yet) I still worry that something might happen again and I really want to be more prepared this time. This morning I went through all of the baby clothes I saved from JM and all of the clothes we have been given for baby girl. Without me having added anything that I have already purchased (not much) we already have twice the amount of clothing for baby girl than we did for JM. We were given a lot for JM, and I still had to buy about 1/3 of the clothes we needed.

Boys clothes preemie through 3-6 months. I bought 1/3 of these.

Girls clothes preemie through 3-6 months. All have been given to us.

I have an entire diaper box full of clothes that were given to us for baby girl that I don’t want because of style or stains. My husband says we should keep it just in case, but I think that even if she never wore the same outfit twice she still wouldn’t be able to wear all of the clothes we have for her. And she’s not even here yet! I also have a friend giving me a baby shower so I know we will receive even more clothes. What am I going to do? I usually win when I want to downsize the amount of stuff we have, but sometimes MD is sneaky and will hide a box of things he thinks I shouldn’t give away. He’s done it before when I’ve tried to get rid of old clothes…

Please understand what I need.

Many times people only put happy, positive things online and the deeper issues are overlooked. Maybe they don’t want everyone to know their personal struggles or maybe they don’t want to contribute to the negativity that is so easily brought out of people when they are online. I know I don’t like to share my personal issues with people. But sometimes it is important for us to share the darker side of life. Even when we are religious, whatever the religion is, we have dark times and others have a right to know that life isn’t peachy-keen all of the time.

For me, I am needing to share my struggles right now. Those of you who know me, know that I am not shy about sharing my medical issues. I want to share with others so if they are struggling with similar issues, they can know that they are not alone. I feel very strongly about this and I will continue to share. Right now, however, I need to share what is going on not for others to feel better about their lives, but because I am in great need of love, compassion, and understanding from others.

I have a condition called dysthymia which is a chemical imbalance that causes depression, social anxiety, and OCD. Most of the time I am able to keep it under control, but with this pregnancy my emotions have become very unstable. I get trapped in a vicious cycle that only cause pain and hurt to me and subsequently my family. Here’s how it usually happens. I see someone and I want to say, “hi,” talk about their families and lives, learn how they are doing, etc. I really want to connect with people. But as soon as I recognize someone I mentally freeze, become extremely anxious, and cannot think. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for 2 years or 20 years, friend, cousin, in-law… it doesn’t matter. In fact, the longer I’ve known you the worse the freeze and anxiety can be. If I seem distant and distracted, it isn’t because I don’t care, I am just not able to connect with you the way I desperately want to. I will then leave the situation and become extremely depressed because I feel incapable of making friends. I often feel unloved, unappreciated, or even ignored because I don’t know how to connect with others the way they expect me to. This depression eats away at me and the next time I run into someone the anxieties are compounded and everything gets worse.

Normally, I am able to break myself out of this cycle, or even ignore the anxiety when I see someone randomly, but since I have been pregnant this time I have not been able to do that. I do the best I can to try and reach out to others, but most of the time the efforts that have been monumental for me are almost insignificant to others. They go unacknowledged or ignored by others. I know that it isn’t meant to hurt me, but it does. Me sending out invitations to a gift exchange, sending Christmas cards, invitations to dinner, they are me desperately trying to continue love and friendship.

I need love, friendship, and acceptance just as much as anyone else. I don’t want you to suddenly start inviting me to see a movie, go out to eat, or “hang out.” I am not able to do those things right now because the anxiety would be too much for me to handle. I just need you to understand that I need your compassion now more than ever. I am lonely, feel unloved most of the time, and being unable to control these extreme emotions scares me. If all you can do is pray for me, please do!